Navigating Rough Seas

I recently read a basic primer on loving-kindness appropriately titled “Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness,” by Sharon Salzberg, a western teacher of Buddhist principles. I felt I needed to revisit these principles as I entered a sea of choppy waters where recriminations and despair would seek to hinder safe passage. I was rounding a Cape Horn, with the belief that a mighty Pacific lay just beyond. Would I hold myself steady as I navigated this difficult passage? All I had was my belief and my strong will. The winds of self-doubt, the winds of bitterness, both came more than once to test my resolve and the worthiness of my vessel, but I prevailed, choosing love as my guide.

Of course, the book was the perfect choice. Books play an important role in my life. I am always studying, seeking answers in books. I reminded myself recently that, although my sun sign is in fire, I have most of my astrological chart in air, the intellectual. And my midheaven is in the air sign of Gemini, the communicator ruled by Mercury, so I like to know that what I learn has a practical application. When I was very young, I thought that libraries were holy places.

This particular book on loving-kindness was sent to me by a dear brother, the brother who sends me his unwanted books on spirituality when cleaning out his cluttered life. These are books he so desperately needs himself—the ones he picks up at used bookstores by the dozens, but has yet to read, and still the search continues. It was revealed to me in a vision that he still carries the heartbreak and bitterness of a disillusioned Jesuit priest from a past life. His grief and anger against God is very deep and entrenched. I refused to go too deep into that vision, as I often take on the emotions of others. This book, this gift, from one who, I am sure, once led me in faith in a past life, arrived in a big fat box the week prior to my needing it. Of course. Do you see the perfect work of Christ in this? Christ's love is more beautiful and poetic than we can imagine.

I do not know of any time in my life when suffering was best met with fear and bitterness. Blaming others for our misfortunes. Blaming God for our misfortunes. Blaming ourselves for our misfortunes. All of this is useless. If we approach our challenges in a more spiritually logical fashion, in practice and with consistency, as the Buddhists do, we will find that the solutions are never far. They are just around the bend. God does not produce suffering, but He will not interfere in our highest lessons about love. It is through understanding the nature of His love that we find our bearings in life. Love in action is dynamic, challenging, a magnificent passage to another peaceful shore.

Pluto in Capricorn

I am very grateful this week. Pluto, the planet of deep transformation, has finally moved on to Capricorn to stay for 16 years as of Nov. 27 (Thanksgiving in the United States). This is exciting news for me because it has been in my sun sign, Sagittarius, since 1995, creating havoc in my “me, myself and I” sector. So the changes were fundamental to my sense of self. The best changes were brought about by a growing inner awareness. But other changes came about as the result of hard lessons, through destruction and chaos. It has been painful at times...so much has been stripped away. Only what is essential to the next phase of my journey has been left behind. And new things have been added. All of us have taken this journey together, of course, in different areas of our lives.

Through it all, one of my favorite expressions became, “Change is good.” Whenever someone in the family or at work reported a situation requiring a new plan, I responded with, “Change is good.” I wasn't a student of astrology for most of this period, but I certainly recognized a pattern for hard change. I can laugh about that expression now, but to survive emotionally, I had to be vigilant about how I looked upon these cataclysmic changes in my life. Keep a positive outlook. Find the silver linings. Find the humor. And I did. And I do. A strong sense of optimism is one of the more useful Sagittarian traits.

A lot of truths about myself were revealed. A lot of bad habits were dealt with. I've lost some people and some new people have arrived. I have found greater peace in my life. Recognizing my personality strengths and weaknesses has helped me to make better choices. I know now where I trip myself up. I also experienced a spiritual awakening which profoundly altered my world view, building upon the sound foundation of a much-treasured personal relationship with God.

With Pluto now settled into my second house, the coming years will put the “new me” to the test revealing just what I’m worth, both figuratively and materially. And, of course, change is never-ending in life, so I am sure there will be more changes to come. I hope they aren't as drastic. I could use a break.

The last time Pluto was in Capricorn was during the American Revolution. If you do a search, you will find numerous online essays about the implications of Pluto’s transits. I hope you will take the time to read some of them. Astrology affects more than just the individual. Most astrologers believe that America, in particular, is about to undergo major changes in its political and economic power structures, and that the end result, after much turmoil, will be a better deal for all of us. With the election of Obama, whose slogan was all about change, and the recent financial collapse, we will see what develops.

To find out what Pluto’s transit through Capricorn means for you, click here.

Bitterness

Is this what your heart looks like? This dried up rootball? Wrapped and trapped. Bitterness strangles the human heart. The heart is the seat of our ability to give and receive love. Makes no sense that we would do this to ourselves, and yet we do.

So what are the seeds of bitterness? Pride. Unforgiveness. The blame game. Think these are benign? Think those thoughts, those feelings, float out into the atmosphere and disappear? Think again.

Bitterness is a hungry, all-consuming living negative energy that loves to dominate the human heart. It makes us sick. It makes us angry. It even makes us ugly. Bitterness prevents the growth of healthy love, which needs fertile ground to take root and prosper.

So love yourself first and be ruthless. Rip the bitterness out of your heart and get some life-sustaining blood flowing back into it. Enrich the soil with compassion, tolerance and humility. Create a new container for unconditional love to grow.

And be diligent. Bitterness can sneak in disguised as just, reasonable and compensating, so be sure to do a weekly weeding. Much easier that way. Unless you like hard work.

Synchronicity

As yet, I haven’t spoken of numerology in my blog. It isn’t a primary focus for me in my walk with God, but there have been times when it has grabbed my interest in a formidable way. For most of my life, I completely discounted it. How could numbers be associated with our life plans and determine in any way our movements upon the planet? Ridiculous, right?

Last year, after attaining a new level of spiritual growth and delving into a study of sacred geometry, I became intrigued to the point of having a detailed numerology report done. I was amazed at how accurate it was to date. My life path number is 22, the master builder. According to numerology, I have the inherent ability to not only tap into the collective unconscious and move about the unseen universe with ease, I also have the ability to take what I learn and make manifest those things which serve the common good. Other 22s, I discovered, include the Dali Lama and Richard Gere. 22s can live their entire lives not working with this energy, becoming intimidated by it, reducing the energy to the more pratical level 4. Or they can suffer the distraction of grandiosity. They can even use this powerful energy to inflict harm, but this is highly unlikely. Most 22s are spiritually-minded. When harnessed, 22s will use their energies to produce positive and very concrete material benefits for mankind.

Prior to knowing anything at all about numerology, my husband and I noticed that everything that happened to us seemed to happen on the 22nd of the month. We met on the 22nd. We began cohabitating on the 22nd. We got married on the 22nd. My son just got married on the 22nd. The building number I currently live in (43825) adds up to 22. The list goes on and on. It became so notable that my husband and I used to refer to 22 as our “lucky number.”

In January 2008—being empowered with this new awareness of my life path number, and engulfed in a heightened sense of my own personal transformation as Pluto prepared to leave my sign after 15 grueling years—and after an entire year of soul-expanding Jupiter, my ruling planet, in my sign—I had a tattoo placed at the base of my spine. It’s a butterfly, the symbol for transformation, with a 22 inside of it. I can not tell you how much I enjoyed this process and how much I love my tattoo! I felt it burning itself into my spine long before the young woman did the deed with her tattoo needle. My symbol. Fait accompli. A transformation celebration!

But the story does not end there. Over the last few months, as another year finishes—a year of asking again and again, “God, where am I going?”—I see the number 22 everywhere I go. Everywhere. My eye will fall on the clock just at the right moment. On the treadmill, the digital read out will say 22. Switching channels, an announcer on TV will say “and with 22 seconds left in the game…” It would be impossible for me to catalog all of the times the number 22 has popped up in print lately. When it first began, I thought I was imagining it and "looking for it to happen" subconsciously. But it happened with such frequency and in such laughable places, that it surely caught my attention. It's become so common place now, that it no longer surprises me. What has happened to bring this about?

If we are made to certain vibrations (and mathematics play a key role in creation), then it would stand to reason that at certain times in our lives, these numbers signal messages from Spirit, our Higher Selves. Working with my intuitive understanding, my sightings of the number 22 have said to me loud and clear, “You’re on the right path! Keep going. You’re doing fine.”

Indeed, I believe I am now in a phase where the potential for fulfilling my life’s plan is great, and that, without any interference from me—being carried away by lower desires or demanding events follow "predictable" outcomes—God will do the work through me. He has been teaching me, grilling me repeatedly, actually, about letting Him take control. It doesn’t mean I’ve become an automaton. It means I have become a co-creator with God, and that as long as I stay close to Him, and tend to my soul work of promoting “Godly virtues” within myself and others, the only true treasures in life, He will open the doors and make the opportunities to manifest for the common good, which is my heart’s desire.

As we face the economic challenges ahead together—as the numbers on Wall Street plummet—as the numbers in our bank accounts dwindle—do not be afraid! Have faith and seek those things which bring true wealth. Put your trust in God. Get in synch!

Obama is the 44th president of the United States, a master number. Look it up!

God's Love

We are all ONE.

"And the wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them."

Isaiah 11:6

Who's the Fairest of Them All?

One of the major karmic themes of my lifetime has been adultery. Our lives are patterns of karmic themes, but surely this one was a dominant theme in mine for many years. As I’ll explain, the root cause of this is vanity. Pride. A heightened sense of entitlement.

Even as a very young girl, I had strong desires for the opposite sex. And a desire to dominate them psychologically. When I entered my teens, my older sister’s boyfriends made passes at me. Did I wish this to happen? Subconsciously, I believe so.

Later, after I met the young man I was to marry, I had early inklings of trouble ahead. He attracted unstable women who seemed to be motivated not only by their desire for him, but by a desire to take what was mine. I found it puzzling since I did not know these women, but they were often fixated on me. Now, I see very clearly that, indeed, they were sent by divine design to do exactly that—to take away what was “mine.” For most of my marriage, there was always some woman who wanted to take my husband away from me, and I resisted. The suffering, of course, was enormous, as I loved him deeply and, for the most part, innocently. I’ll spare you the details of my ordeal.

Like most souls, I’ve had more than one lifetime as an adulterer. As a result, in this lifetime, I found myself married to an adulterer who betrayed me with multiple women. I stayed for the whole thing, taking what was needed to pay my debt. I certainly had no knowledge of this karmic debt at the time, but my Higher Self did. Karma is never a punishment. It is simply a law of the universe and a balance of spirit that must be achieved. What we sow, for better or for worse, we will eventually reap. These lessons help us to achieve Christ Consciousness, to raise our vibrations and set us on a path for ascension.

Behind each action that we take—each action producing a reaction—there is some underlying character weakness or strength that sets the whole thing in motion. In my case, it was vanity that was the root cause of my troubles with adultery. This past year, it was revealed to me that in past lives, I had used my beauty to gain power.

In one vivid dream in December 2006, I was a Russian peasant on my wedding night. My husband, who was an innocent, was speaking to me of how beautiful I was as he removed my nightgown. He had “permission” to take me, but he was being timid. After he initiated intimacy, he was so grateful and complimentary. I remember looking on him with disdain thinking “what a fool you are.” A subsequent dream revealed another scene from that lifetime. I was with another man. We were concerned about “hidden treasures.” And the man was saying, “Oh, let’s be done with this.” And I pleaded, “But I don’t want to be done with it.”

Did that young groom, so unsure of himself, become my husband in this lifetime? What were these "hidden treasures"? Stolen wealth? Was I planning to run away with my lover? Is this why I could never convince my husband in this lifetime that I loved him? And why he was so unfaithful to me, despite loving me as deeply as he did? I search for the answers inside my soul.

But, perhaps, the most vivid past life recall concerning adultery came in May of this year. I was a young woman sitting on a bench in the back of a lecture hall. A middle-aged man with a beard was presenting at the front of the room which was all dark wood paneling and leather chairs. I was growing restless and removed myself to the bathroom. After I closed the door behind me, I looked up into the mirror at my reflection. I was absolutely stunning. Nicole Kidman-stunning. And it was ME looking back. I had reddish brown hair cut Egyptian-style with big brown eyes, high cheek bones, translucent skin and a slender, perfectly toned body. As I brushed the bangs away from my eyes, I thought to myself, “These people are so boring. Why can't I just leave?"

When I told my mother about the experience with the mirror (a medium who can access the Akashic records through her spirit guides), it was revealed that I had been the mistress to a Swiss diplomat in Geneva in that lifetime. I died in 1932. I sensed a superficial young woman, another careless soul who used her beauty to manipulate and advance her station in life, not caring in the slightest who got hurt along the way. And still, I love and forgive her. I treasure the lesson that she brought.

Pride, vanity or narcissism. It has always been a great temptation for mankind.

For all of us, it is far better to look at our challenges in life objectively, whatever they may be, from the karmic perspective. What are your challenges in this lifetime? What lessons are you learning? Who do you need to forgive? A spouse? A parent? Perhaps, yourself. Make the most of your opportunities for forgiveness. These unlock the door to compassion, which leads to unconditional love, the bliss of which can not be described by the human tongue.

Making His 'Transit'

It’s important to understand that when someone we love dies, their spirit goes on. And, in fact, the relationship goes on. Since my ex-husband’s death from a heart attack in 2004, I have had many visits from him. Because I am a sensitive, and because I am open to it, I have been helping him to continue on his journey in my "dreams."

There have been times when I've pleaded with him to stop coming. His visits are often childish and manipulative, just as in life. Still, in one dream, he revealed to me, through unmistakable symbolism, that his substance abuse had been the result of an undiagnosed manic-depressive disorder. All highs and lows, he had explained, no middles. This was comforting to me, of course, and I was very grateful to him for confirming what I had suspected.

In another visit, he wanted to know if I had loved him, even though I had divorced him. He couldn’t make his “transit,” he whispered in my ear one morning, until he knew the answer to this question. I did not believe he was anywhere near making his transit with a question like that. It annoyed me and my emotions took over. This was the broken record of our life together. Even though I had assured him at every turn in the marriage that I loved him, no amount of words or action could convince him. He was so confused about love. For him, sex was love. The amount of sexual attraction he could induce in another was a fair estimate of his self-worth. It often grieved me. I could not reach him. And his was such a beautiful soul capable of much goodness. His gift for music, his genuine sweetness and concern for others, those twinkling eyes of merriment…

In late 1999, when I told him that I was going to file for divorce, he told me that we would never be apart, and that we were “joined at the hip.” At the time that he said it, I knew it was a hint of things to come. I received the news with dread, knowing how possessive he could be. He has made good on his promise, never leaving my side for a moment. And true to form, I am there for him, again and again, assuring him of my love and helping him to transit to the next level in his soul's journey. My love for him is eternal. I recently recognized that he helped me to complete my karma in an important area of my own journey. I chose him for this. How can I deny him my patience and understanding, as others have been patient and understanding with me?

Some time back, I had a visit from one of my spirit guides who showed me a book. She began flipping through the pages but only so far. I tried to turn the pages beyond where her finger was, but to no avail. She said to me, “First the dream therapy, and then the saying ‘goodbye’ to your loved one.” After I awakened, I wondered how this would play out. Obviously, someone had been listening to my pleas for my husband’s departure.

Lately, my ex has been visiting quite a bit in ways not pleasing to me. I am seeking a new relationship here on the Earth plane. It is time for him to let go. Sleeping rather fitfully, I awoke at 5 a.m. this morning after having had yet another visit from him. So I prayed in earnest for his deliverance and, eventually, I fell back asleep. And there he was again. He was leading me and our two children into a Catholic church, making a big show of it. Some people were seated at a table inside. He retrieved a small book of scripture from them and we left, making our way across the lawn at the entrance to the church. As we walked, our path cut across a steady stream of people entering the church. I said to him, “Why did you make all of us get out of the car and go with you? You could have done this yourself.” There was no response. I stopped him, in the middle of the stream of worshippers and a spirit being appeared opposite us. He was smiling, but he was not mine. Through thought transference, I recognized him as my husband’s spirit guide. I said to my husband, “All you had to do was let me love you.” His spirit guide seemed very pleased. I woke up.

I share this personal story with you so that you will understand the importance of our relationships, and how we are all eternally bound, one to another. There is a completion of cycle. And a completion of spirit. To resist the power of love and its faithfulness is to resist yourself and your soul’s journey. To harbor bitterness and resentment toward others is to cut yourself off from God’s perfect path to liberty. Everything has a purpose, even suffering. Be patient and kind. At all times, be at peace, seeking harmony, unity and truth.

A Change in Consciousness

These are the words of Mahatma Gandhi:

"It takes a fairly strenuous course of training to attain a mental state of nonviolence. It is a disciplined life, like the mental state of a soldier. The perfect state is reached only when the mind, body and speech are in proper coordination. Every problem would lend itself to solution if we determined to make the law of truth and nonviolence the law of life."

Assume the Position

This is my favorite position when communicating with God. On my knees, head down, hands receiving. My listening and receiving position. I do not assume the position. It assumes me. No one taught me this. I have since learned that it is a chakra exercise in kundalini yoga. It is the most natural position for me. The one in which I am most comfortable. It evolved over time as my relationship with the Creator continued to deepen and life's most humbling lessons burned their messages into this rebellious heart. But its origins go way back in my walk with Christ.

Long, long ago, when I lived in California, I was married to a successful nightclub musician. We lived in a resort town favored by Hollywood stars, and we had two beautiful young children. Although we started out together, over the years, my husband and I chose different paths. Our value systems grew largely apart. He became immersed in the drug and alcohol culture; I became immersed in raising a family.

There came a time when he began using cocaine, a drug so destructive that it nearly left us both dead. Among other things, he was exhibiting aggression, so unlike him, and he seemed to have absolutely no moral compass whatsoever left. As with all relationships, I contributed my own set of weird childhood, karmic and personality foibles to the mix. We were a mess.

To make matters worse, he was having an affair--again. I was home alone most of the time with two small children in a city where I knew no one. Estranged from my family, I had no human support system in place at all. Eventually, the stress of keeping it all together by myself was so enormous--the pain of watching someone slowly destroy themselves so hard to bear--it affected my mind. I was becoming something ugly and so was he. I began to contemplate suicide. And I stopped eating. Day after day, I fed the children, but I didn't eat myself. A nibble here. A nibble there. I lost a tremendous amount of weight. I was wasting away. Trying to disappear.

And then, one day, I woke up and it was gone. The belief that I needed to hang in there for the kids...it was gone. I no longer cared. They'd be better off, I thought. Better off without me. The pain was too much. And again, I began to fantasize about taking my own life. The more I thought about it, the better it sounded. No more pain. No more agony. All gone.

But that wasn't the plan for the day. God was only a breath away. I slipped to my knees on the soft pink carpet and my head went down, too. I assumed the position. And I began to cry. And suddenly, I remembered that voice that spoke to me in Hawaii, when I was washing the dishes, and everything in my life was so wonderful and I hadn't a care in the world: "Know that I am here," the voice had said. (See my post of Aug. 17.) I never understood at the time why He came to me. But I remembered that voice that day on the pink carpet, and I called upon the name of Jesus, and immediately I was lifted up. My spirit rose up out of the "depths of hell" and I was "saved." Completely restored. Held high. Reborn.

So, in truth, I did die that day, after all. It would become the first of many "deaths." I die a little bit every day. And I am so grateful, because what I get in return can not be measured. And now, when I bow before my heavenly Father, my hands are always a little extended, like a child's, hoping to receive just an ounce of His wisdom, an ounce of His perfect love. So for me, it began with Christ.

And I have come a long way since that day. I have studied many great masters and experienced many great things. But the other night, while doing my prayers and affirmations before falling asleep, a telepathic message dropped into my spirit: "Follow me," it said. It was a voice I recognized. It was the voice of my savior.

Life Is But a Dream

Try this experiment. Before going to sleep, surround yourself with white light for protection, visualizing the brightest white light possible. Really see it--you know, the white light that's so intensely white it almost breaks into purple. Then, ask for guidance before drifting off. Be specific. Do this every night. You'll find that you get quite good at it and you'll actually look forward to it. Be sure to pay close attention to what your dreams tell you. Watch for celestial visitors. Remember. Seek and you shall find.

I had two visitors last night, back to back, like they were doing shifts. My ability to recognize them now and engage them has improved dramatically. I laughed very hard with the first one, who appeared as a short, fat, impish male. But underneath the laughter was a deep karmic discussion in symbolic language that only I would understand. It was so thick with meaning for me that I awoke immediately and I realized the joke was on me! I had just gotten the most loving, fatherly instruction, tailored to my personality. The underlying message was about my past lives, and why certain situations have manifested in this life for me. I was being reminded, without sentiment, to be careful of my past behavior patterns as I enter into a new phase. And because I am in touch with my higher self, I knew exactly what was being told to me, the history of my lesson, and the importance of heeding his warning as circumstances, once again, change in my life.

After I fell back asleep, the next visit was from one of my known guardian angels, a feminine energy, who I am finally able to enjoy as a friend because I recognize her vibration. She comes to encourage me, to give me gifts of hope. She took me to an "ice cream parlor" for an "ice cream sundae." It looked like an ice cream sundae! But it was all vibrant fuchsias and lime greens and blues and filled with joyous design frills. We both "ate" our ice cream sundaes and her telepathic message was....find the joy, find the beauty, find the love. It was all so grand, we did the scene twice! And we laughed about what fun we were having by repeating it. Why not? we asked!

We were celebrating the end of a karmic trial for me in this lifetime. The debt is paid. And I think I did well!

About Rituals

I often advise my friends who are seeking closer communion with God to light candles of intent, and to set up personal altars containing receptacles for written prayers and aspirations, and perhaps, incense burners and other personal items that bring hope and inspiration. I believe these altars serve a useful purpose in advancing our soul's purpose, and that they are honored by our celestial guides. I have found, since establishing this place within my home, that uplifting vibrations now inhabit the area around my altar. And the scent of the incense that I burn, particularly lavendar, which I have everywhere in my home, reminds me of my prayers and the loving consciousness that pervades these thoughts. The presence of my altar can be felt the moment I arrive home, reminding me that I am not alone, never have been, and never will be. Its presence also invites me to serve others through the promotion of loving thoughts, and to invite the love from others into my own heart.

It is important to remember, however, that altars are only tools and no attachment should exist. The loving thoughts they help to create have purpose and meaning, but our true temples of God reside within our bodies where our spiritual life force is housed. Holy communion--what the Hindus call yoga and what Jesus called The God Within--that place where we feel our eternal life force (our chakra centers) join with the Divine Source--is the true path to enlightenment. And the more we seek, the more that is given. We will never be given more than we can hold, as each of us is guided and lovingly supported by higher entities who know us well. So in truth, we carry our altar around everywhere we go. Regardless of which method we choose--praying at a physical altar at church or at home, or through deep yoga meditation--it is the sincerity of the seeking that is most important.

I do not hold strictly to ritual. That is, I do not believe that we should become a slave to time schedules or fret over the physical manifestations of Godly communication. We are far better off listening to our stillness and peaceful inner guidance, which is always on time and always appropriate. Blind ritual without purpose and without meaning is not the way. The intuitive creative power of our higher selves lights our path. We should strive for a kind of walking meditation. And for that, we must surrender our will completely to God.

Good Vibrations

Thoughts, prayers, email correspondence, casually spoken asides…these are all so powerful, more powerful than we realize. When I consider how I defeat my intentions through negative thinking, it gives me great pause. What am I creating? What do I wish to create?

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1

“That is why I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24

Numerous videos reveal the spectacular association between sound vibrations and form. It is believed by many that thoughts create cosmic sound. In his book "Far Journeys," Robert Monroe (the man who brought astral travel into popular discussion) described a ring around the Earth he called the Mband. According to Monroe, the Mband is a noisy, discordant accumulation of sound waves that encircles our planet vibrating with all of our negative thoughts.

So what can happen when we produce loving, positive thoughts, when we lift our thoughts up to God? When I was living in California, it was a joy each Christmas to visit San Juan Capistrano and the mission there. Inside the mission, was a little side chapel. I have always been sensitive to vibrations, but on one occasion, I was so drawn to the little chapel that I felt absolutely compelled to enter, as though something was tapping me on the shoulder and beckoning me to come, acknowledge, rejoice.

Upon entering the empty chapel, the spirit of God was so thick, the prayers so heartfelt, that I immediately fell to my knees at the altar in deep adoration. I only left when it became clear that the rest of my family was growing restless, but I would have stayed there forever, if that were possible. Although I could not see them, I felt the presence of angels.

Later, I discovered that the chapel was a special place of prayer for cancer victims. I returned to the little chapel every visit to see if I could recapture the ecstasy of that experience, but rarely did I ever feel the presence of God as strongly in that tiny room, as I did that day. Someone’s loving prayers had remained behind that day and they had reverberated and touched my spirit.

Every day is a clean slate to write my life upon. So, I am thinking. About my thoughts. And it is good.

White Light of Christ Consciousness

In 1980, something happened to me that changed my life. I was living in Hawaii at the time. I had been married for eight years and I had a beautiful little boy, age three. I thought my life couldn’t get much better. I had many blessings. I was living very close to nature, digging in the dirt and creating a vibrant garden on the land that surrounded our home. And my home was located on the North Shore of Oahu, a place filled with awe-inspiring majesty and daring young people who surfed the waves.

But I was also beginning to experience some of the phenomenon that has stayed with me throughout most of my adult life. After my son was born, I became aware of my astral body for the first time. These early out of body experiences didn’t come about through meditation or active seeking. I was not practicing any kind of religion at the time. The little green surfer shack where we first lived in Sunset Beach, just steps from the beach, was “haunted.” And an annoying disembodied spirit was disturbing my sleep, taunting me and hovering too close to my newborn son who slept in a crib beside me. My maternal instincts were aroused, and so I left my body to deal with him. After we left this initial home on the point at Sunset, we moved into a new home a couple of streets away, the one where I turned a vacant yard into a colorful garden. And I had another out of body there, this time in response to an inquisitive astral who, while harmless, was nonetheless, watching my son too closely for my comfort level. As I re-entered my physical body, it raised up off the bed, like it had been touched by a small jolt of electricity. This experience opened up the door to questions about energy, substance, what we're really made of. After consulting with my mother, a medium whose abilities I had run from as a child, I was able to send these spirits away, "to Jesus."

Despite these startling experiences with the astral world, I was quite content. And, of course, no one else in the household was sharing in this phenomenon. I was quite alone in this new awareness.

And then I was greeted by the white light of Christ Consciousness, Divine Love, while washing dishes. The sink where I washed dishes in the new house was located in a sort of alcove in the kitchen. Above the sink was a large window facing the side yard. I would stand there after serving my family dinner, handwashing the dishes, looking out the window, the warm water smoothing away any rough edges of the day, lost in my thoughts, and feeling very relaxed and blessed. One evening, a white light filled the window and a telepathic voice said to me, “Know that I am here and that I love you.” It wasn't a white light that one could see with the human eye, but with what we call the third eye. And it did not alarm me or cause me to act in any way. Two more consecutive evenings, the same white light filled the window and the same message was delivered. I simply absorbed this at the time, without alarm and without discussion to those around me. And somehow, I knew. It was the omnipresent spirit of Jesus Christ. The love was nothing like the love I had felt from those around me. It transcended every human emotion.

Eventually, quite casually, I shared what had happened to me with my husband and a younger brother. I knew their thoughts…Oh, there she goes. What a vivid imagination she has. Let’s humor her. “Well, how do you know it was Jesus? How do you know it wasn’t Buddha or some other religious figure?” I knew.

I did not immediately join the nearest Christian church. I simply stored the experience away, along with all of the other mysterious events of my life up until that time, and continued on with what I thought was a relatively trouble-free existence. "Know that I am here..." he had said...

Years later, I would read in the Bible the passage where Jesus says, “My sheep hear my voice and I know them, and they follow me.” How glad I was when I read this. Yes, I had recognized his spirit. And it would visit me again in California on the darkest day of my life. (See post 9/19/08)

Embrace It All

I was reminded today about the importance of being thankful. It's easy to give thanks to the Creator on good days when everything is going your way, when that big promotion comes in, or when you meet someone new who makes you laugh, or maybe you finally found something you thought was lost forever behind the sofa.

But on those days, when everything seems to go wrong, or you find out you've lost something, can you still be thankful? Remember that every day is an opportunity to grow, to learn something new about yourself, to take that next step toward becoming the loving person you always knew you could be. Even our most difficult lessons are blessings in disguise. In fact, we are here to make mistakes, to learn some new lessons. This is school. Your life is exactly as it should be.

Sometimes, our "worst enemies" are our biggest allies. Wouldn't that surprise them to know this? But it's true. These souls teach us something special about ourselves: what we value, our ability to rise to the occasion and our capacity to forgive. This is not to say that we shouldn't protect ourselves from negative energy, but it is far better to simply pray for our adversaries and move on. Bitterness corrupts the heart and stunts our growth. Remember: no one is perfect. A little self-examination usually reveals some hidden truth about ourselves where we need to improve. Before moving on, don't miss these precious nuggets of wisdom.

Today, I went down my list of people...the ones I feel have "wronged" me. I was surprised at how many were on my list. And I thanked God for every one of them. And then I said a prayer of thanks for all of my hard lessons of late. For being humbled one more time, bringing me closer and closer to the One who sees all things and knows all things and loves me unconditionally, even if it means letting me fall.

As August turns into September, I will enjoy this new harvest of experience and love to guide me as I continue on my soul's journey.

Letting Go

The hardest part about surrender is letting go. Letting go of all of your preconceived notions about how things should be, how people should behave, what everything means and where you ought to be. There came a time in my recent struggle to stay on a particular path when the inner turmoil almost drove me mad. Stubborn? Oh, my. There are times in my life when I would rather carry the weight of my own delusions, than accept the all-knowing hand of God. So about these things I know. The moment I surrendered to God was the moment I was released from my turmoil. It's amazing how that works.

And now, I am on the road to healing and self-forgiveness. Which is a different road, but similar. I still need to let go of recriminations against myself. After all, I am no better or worse than anyone else.

So the emotions are trying to come up for my cleansing and I am slowly allowing them to surface. I need a really good cry. Several, in fact. The stiff upper lip mentality driven home by my childhood often prevents these wonderful purifying moments. But they will come.

One of my favorite writers is Melody Beattie. In her book "Finding Your Way Home," she writes: "Each time I surrender it feels so painful. It feels like I've lost, like I'll never, ever have what I want, and again my world, dreams and desires are collapsing around my feet. The house of cards is tumbling down, one more time. The rage bubbles up: I can't have what I want? I had to get all excited, all passionate, all full of desire and hope just to let go and lose again? Exactly. That's the only way to win. And the singular way to be a warrior on the pathway home."

What weight are you carrying? Maybe it's time to let it go.

Doorways

I've been wrestling with a difficult career decision this week. Which road to take? One seemed to offer security and comfort, but I was over-qualified. The other seemed to offer risk and liability, but it was right in line with my original plan. I couldn't decide. So I asked for advice from my closest human advisors. Go with the flow, I was told by one. My mother, the medium, was getting all kinds of stuff, but nothing that led to a decision. So with my emotions running high, and time running out, I agonized.

And then, I decided to pray for clarity. Just that. To pray to have the clouds lifted so that I could clearly see what I was looking at. I have a prayer bowl that I write messages in. I lit my candle and incense and just sent up a simple request: "I really want to make the right move now. Help me to choose." I was hoping my guardian angels and spirit guides would come to my aid.

When I awoke this morning, I felt a sense of purpose. The clouds had lifted. I saw myself banging on a closed door that wasn't opening. The other door was standing ajar, inviting me to enter. Today, I walked through it. It's the riskier road to take, but I've been learning how to take risks. And who knows what lies behind this welcoming door? And haven't I been prepared to trust God with my life completely?

Ainslie MacLeod's book, The Instruction: Living the Life Your Soul Intended, may help you identify your soul type and mission. Appropriately, the cover has a red doorway on it, the color of prosperity. I have not read this book, so I can not recommend it, but I did see the interview last night with Ainslie on Oprah's site. I found him to be a very gentle soul.

And isn't Oprah wonderful? I think she's very brave.

Happy dreams.

Everything of Value Is Formless

OK, I will explain why there is jello in this blog post. But first...

We are fortunate this week to have a solar eclipse in Leo. It falls in my ninth house which rules worldly wisdom and universal perspective. And this is a good thing. Because my moon's south node (my karmic past) is in Leo. Which means, I have a tendency (HAD a tendency) to be rather self-centered. I will be spending a lifetime harmonizing my love of being center-stage with my desire to serve the greater good. And as my sun is in Sagittarius, this also means, that, at times, I can be a complete fool (or a calculating clown, too). All to your amusement and my undying amazement. Because these personality traits seem fixed, I will use my life lessons, my foolishness, to help others.

I married a performer in this lifetime. He had his ascendant in Leo and his moon in Scorpio. His ego needed constant stroking and he loved his intrigue. I don't wish to offend anyone who has these planetary aspects, but the man was obnoxious. He was also an excellent entertainer, very witty (Gemini sun) and I loved him dearly and stayed with him until such time as my lessons with him were finished. I was exhausted. And now, he is on the "other side." Which is a good thing for him because he needed spiritual medication. Wine, women and song. But I digress.

For some many years now, I have been reciting this mantra from Mary Baker Eddy, as it was given to me by my entertainer husband who was raised in Christian Science: "There is no life, truth, or substance in matter. All is infinite mind and infinite spirit." Whenever there is a pause in my meditative thinking, it creeps in, and I restate it with conviction. I had only an intellectual understanding of its underlying principle when I first began to embrace it, but lately, especially now with this eclipse sitting on my ninth house, and with all of my issues over the material world, I finally see for myself what it truly means. I grasp it at the heart level. Once again, as I see my storehouse being depleted, I can only acknowledge what truly matters, what sustains me and everyone else on this planet: the formless divine source. I learn my lessons the hard way, but I do learn them. God loves the fool.

The jello. My father passed away in May 2004. Dad was a Taurian, which means he was all wrapped up in 2nd house issues (the material world, values, our feelings of self-worth). One day, near the end of his life, the family was ordering pizza. Dad was lying in his hospital bed in another room of the house, going in and out of dementia, hallucinating on drugs designed to help him. There he was, a crumpled mess of Parkinson's disease, unable to release himself from a fetal position which his body had slowly, achingly, forced upon him, reminding passersby that, "of course, you'll have to come get me because I can no longer drive..." So the family is debating who has the cash to pay for the pizza, and from his weakened condition, Dad calls out with enormous strength and determination to be heard above the clatter, "If you check in my wallet, I think I've got some cash in here." That was Dad. Let me give you some money. What do you need? Will you love me, then? Will I be worthy if I can show you the money? The fact that he even heard the conversation was something of a miracle that day.

A couple of days ago, as I lay sleeping, I was awakened to someone standing beside the bed who spoke my name. I hadn't heard that voice in a long, long time. I looked up and there was my father. I hadn't seen him (to my knowledge) since his passing. I was so happy to see him. I reached over to grasp his arms, but my hands went through his body. His arms felt like pillars of jello. That's how I would describe it. I tried again and again and could not embrace him. Seeing my frustration, he seated himself at the end of the bed. And then, I woke up.

I believe he showed himself to me because he wanted to be here during my time of financial stress. To "open his wallet" to me. When he opened his wallet, it was an act of love, but it never felt that way to us. That's because, in truth, it was Dad that was seeking love. That was at the heart of the love story that was being acted out. Dad was saying, "love me, please." He was always trying to give you money, even when you didn't need any. I was able to see this truth clearly during his lifetime. And I forgave him. I knew, underneath it all, he really did love me, but he could never say "I love you" without faltering, without discomfort, and he didn't show his love in the ways that I wanted. Hugging his adult children was painful for him. I finally had to coax the words out of him during my adulthood by saying the words myself, which felt so foreign between us. And I always gave him a hug. It was the healing that I needed. And it took awhile. I remember when he finally graduated from "me, too" to a full-blown "I love you." I was very pleased and happy for both of us.

And it reminds me once again of the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi. I keep it posted in my home and in my heart, and it is the bottom line for me. To quote from it: "O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be loved, as to love." I love you, Dad.

So this Earthly life is just a dream, maybe not jello, but something similar. And what holds it all together is eternal and formless. This soul journey is an opportunity--a very important one--to grow in love, to end polarity in our hearts and relinquish the grip of separation from all that unites us. God bless you all.

Symbols to Guide Us

The lotus flower is a powerful symbol. It has tremendous meaning for me because of my personal experience with it. It brought me into a new phase of soul development without my conscious knowledge of this. When I think back on how far I've come since I first saw the lotus, it astounds me.

Some time during the latter part of 2003 and into 2004, I began seeing a white lotus in my mind's eye. It would just slowly materialize out of nowhere, glowing softly, like an old projector turned on by an unknown source. Whether walking across a room or quietly relaxing in my bedroom, the white lotus would just appear. I knew it had some association with eastern traditions, but I had no intimate knowledge of its spiritual meaning or eastern traditions, in general. Being the creative individual that I am and subject to all kinds of inspiration, I assumed I was responding to some sudden awareness of its beauty. "Wouldn't it be nice to have a lotus poster for my bedroom," I kept saying to everyone around me. "Do you think I should get one?" I never bought the poster.

Of course, it had nothing to do with my creative work, although, one might argue that because I am a creative, the vision came as it did. No, I believe it heralded the arrival of Buddhism and other eastern religions into my life three years later. It announced a growing interest in meditation and the heart transformation that was to follow. A major shift in consciousness was coming. My third eye was opening. But I had no idea at the time.

Now, I show the lotus everywhere. I love this symbol and I love its message. As hard as it is to live, I am dedicated to harmonizing the spiritual with the physical in my own life. In fact, I must. I am not a practicing Buddhist. I don't practice any religion. I study them all. But as I continue to grow in spiritual awareness--my telepathic energy increasing, becoming attuned to the collective awakening--I remember how the white lotus glowed as a magnificent beacon behind my third eye, pointing the way to higher consciousness.

Embrace the symbols in your life. They have meaning and purpose. While they have no real power unto themselves, they do communicate and they do inspire.

Time Spiral

Here's an excerpt from "Spiritual Awakening: Spirals of Time," an article by Kiara Windrider at The Global Oneness Commitment Web site:

"Barry Martin has been carefully researching a phenomenon he calls the time spiral, which may shed further light on this dimensional shift. With some of the renewed understandings of sacred geometry put forward by Drunvalo Melchizedek and others, we are beginning to become aware of how everything is organized around certain basic principles of geometry. The fibonacci spiral is one such geometry used by the devic realms to create forms and proportions for all life in the universe, from tiny crystals, to the human form, to an entire planet. The nautilus shell is a good illustration of this. Beginning at zero point, which could be any point in space, it is a numeric sequence that spirals out to infinity.

What if this same sequence that applies to space were also applied to time? Barry goes through a series of calculations going back through the Egyptian and Mayan calendars to illustrate that in our journey of evolution through the ages, our experience of consciousness through time has been speeding up. This can be plotted as a time spiral. Eventually this time spiral winds down through third dimensional time and approaches a zero point, an end of time as we know it. According to his research, the time spiral that governed most of our recent third dimensional history ended on July 26, 2000, at which point a new fourth dimensional spiral began, and is slowly gathering force. Thus, in some respects the fourth dimensional shift has already taken place, although the full flowering of this new planetary consciousness is still to come.

What does 4th dimensional time look like? If 3-D time relates to a linear progression from a point in the past to a point in the future, 4-D time is synchronistic. The now-moment is all important, multiple timelines come into co-existence, and history is interpreted through cycles and spirals of consciousness rather than through a disconnected series of linear events."

Pride Cometh Before the Fall

In my morning meditations, I reflected on recent events in my life and how they related to a persistent injury to my wrist. Often, we are unaware of where we are going before it is too late, and then, alarmingly, unexpectedly, something manifests in the physical world to remind us of our limitations. For me, the physical body has never been an issue. I have been so blessed with vigor, and with a seemingly unstoppable immune system, that it has given rise to a false sense of being totally invincible when it comes to my health.

Like all of us, I am a beautiful matrix of intersecting spiritual influences all of which affect where I go, what I do and who I meet. And as complex as we all are, we are all, nonetheless, called to one abiding truth--to love our fellow man and join together in unity. Understanding this much will send you soaring across the universe.

In my astrological chart, it clearly indicates that my quest for freedom and independence is often at odds with my need to ground myself in the here and now. And as my moon's north node (karmic direction) is firmly fixed in the sign of Aquarius, I continually strive to attain a humanitarian ideal while carrying behind me the sweep and swagger of a dragon's tail colored in Leo's vibrant need (demand, really) for recognition. I can be eccentric, willful and more than a little prideful. My goal, then, is to unite the two polarities into one harmonious flow of soulful energy in service to mankind. It is not that one is preferable to the other. All signs of the zodiac have their pluses and minuses.

So when I fell on the rocks by my beloved river in June due to a lack of foresight and poor judgment, it mirrored events in my career that have led to my current battles with anxiety. The discordant tones reverberating within my soul's inner chamber are clearly the result of my own inability to overcome pride. And as they say, pride cometh before the fall.

While most of my physical injuries on the river that day manifested as simple bruises, my right wrist continues in weakness two months later. I have had to wear a brace, pop Advil, use my left hand to lift and avoid too much time at the computer where carpal tunnel syndrome sends radiating pain up into my shoulder. Alas, I am host to a physical body after all, one that requires my protection.

Dragging this injury around for the last two months has felt like an Achilles' heel reminder about pride. So I prayed in earnest this morning to be healed, to have my eyes opened to pride, once again, showing itself to be my biggest weakness. And so it is for all of us. And it is this that keeps us isolated and further away from the unity that God would have for us.

Life Between Lives

Speaking of rivers...imagine yourself pure spirit being pulled along by a river of light to a world of loving guidance and total acceptance. I read Journey of Souls recently and I could not put it down. Published in 1994, Journey of Souls is not California hypnotherapist Michael Newton's first book on what happens to souls between lives, but from what I've heard, it may be his best.

Newton's subjects recount amazing journeys after death with souls joining familial groups to begin the process of choosing their next lives. Like every book we read, it's important to discern for ourselves what rings true and what doesn't, but Newton's reporting is extraordinary. While using different terms to describe their journeys, each subject recalls remarkably similar experiences. Destiny of Souls (2001) is his follow-up.

My curiosity about life after death soared after my ex-husband's death in 2004. There have been numerous astral visits from him. Once, he covered me while I lay sleeping on my stomach. He touched my hand and spoke into my ear. This, of course, awakened me immediately.

My sleep is often a playground for astral visitors and I have been touched before so that the sensation, which feels quite physical, remains after awakening. I first became aware of my astral body at the age of 24. We all astral travel in our sleep. But be careful about your astral associations. Most astral visitors are harmless, but there are lower vibrational entities who can disturb our nightly journeys. While they can do no real harm, they can leave an impression of defilement. Surround yourself with the "white light of divine protection" prior to falling asleep and thank your guides for their watchful presence.

Points on a Map

Years ago, just before I was laid off from my job as a newspaper editor, I had a rather insatiable desire to go to Monument Valley in Utah. There was no reason for this particular compulsion. It kicked in seemingly out of the blue. I had visited the valley once--when I lived in a camper van for a year--and it was fogged in. Yes, fogged in! I was so disappointed, because we couldn't wait another day for it to lift. It lasted the entire afternoon and into the next day. Anyway, it was just after getting this overwhelming need to get on a plane and go to the Four Corners area that I discovered the teachings of Buddhism and the Tao. I began to meditate and I had my heart transformation. Which I'll talk about eventually.

I've been reading about spirtual vortexes and their effect on souls. Further, I've heard that where you live can have a profound effect on your ability to tap into vibrations that are generated by higher entities, and that one can actually be summoned, unknowingly, to them for transformation, instruction, what have you. This new understanding reminded me of a dream I had in December 2006. In the dream, I was on a rooftop and I hosed myself down with water. It was a very blissful experience. But what followed was even more interesting. I was flying over a relief map of the United States. I made my way to the Southwest and a directional arrow appeared, pointing to an area near the Grand Canyon. It was very strange. I have never quite figured out what that dream meant. I have lived in Arizona twice, but is that a connection? Will there be something there for me in the future? Is something generating from that location now that touches my soul?

My mother, the medium, relayed to me that I am at my present location because of the vibrations. After thirty years of traveling, I find myself back where I was born. I don't believe in chance. So something is being played out by my presence here. This is true for all of us.

River Rescues

Rivers reflect more than the clouds and trees that hug their shores. When you commune with a river, it returns to you a sense of your self. I have a river near my home that tells me stories. I share my visits with the wildlife that gathers there. So I learn from them, too. I watch the ripples and feel the current. But most of all, I am still and I listen for God's voice.

Rivers are mystical. They symbolize connection, deliverance, renewal. Wasn't it a river that first baptized the world? Some consider the Ganges River a sacred living entity. And yet it contains untreated sewage, cremated remains, chemicals and disease-causing microbes. Finally, India is taking steps to reverse the damage, but it will take a very long time to remedy. Rivers are in danger everywhere.

We are born in water. When scientists seek to determine life on other planets, they look for evidence of water. Water is the universal symbol for the subconscious mind. When I am beside a river, my emotions come to the surface and float down stream. All of my cares delivered and transformed into more useful energy. Rivers are healers. Find your healing river, wherever it might be.

My Sioux Warrior

Part of my soul journey this time around includes becoming aware of the different spiritual realms and how they work together.

Some time back, it was revealed to me that my primary spirit guide is a tall Indian in full headdress named Theodosius. Not an Indian name, to be sure, but he likes to appear as one, at least, when it comes to me. This soul and I have been together many times on Earth. Once, as Sioux man and wife. He even boasted that he had won my heart over many other suitors, and that I was as feisty then, as I am now. So in my meditations, it is highly probable that he speaks to me a lot. In fact, I am fairly certain I now know his voice. Once, at one of my lowest moments, I distinctly heard him say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." At first, I was taken aback and I wanted to kill him for saying this, but then it made me laugh very hard because of its absurdity given the terrible drama I was portraying. And because, I believe, at my deepest soul level, I knew this voice very well, and it was a private joke between us--one that reflected many lifetimes together.

So as I continue to "awaken," my awareness of him certainly grows. I believe I have seen him now in the dream state. In one of my dreams, I am standing on a pine forested hill overlooking a valley. Beside me is an Indian with a rather serious expression on his face. There is a fresh cut on his cheek, and I get the definite impression that he has been fighting. He gestures toward the valley and informs me that this is where we will spend the summer. More recently, I had a dream where I caught a glimpse of him again--standing in a swirl of dust, still that serious expression, but gorgeous in his wildness. He was wearing a thin film of grime, head to toe, and he was dressed in exactly the same clothes as before. His hair was loose, not braided, and he was bare chested with leather leggings. It was near a primitive paddock for horses. Straight out of Hollywood, right? Perhaps.

But I don't think so. The world beyond time and space is far more interesting--more rich and more vivid--than many people would like us to believe. Pay close attention to your dreams. They reveal much.

Blind Faith

I am one who must know the future at all times. This is, of course, against God's plan for our lives. But repeated reminders through meditation and my talks with God do not keep me from seeking. After all, stubbornness is one of my key virtues. Sometimes--often, in fact--things are revealed to me through symbols in my dreams and in waking visions. It is encouraging to interpret these symbols and I have seen these prophetic images come true. But always, I am told to be patient and learn my lessons like a good girl. Certain things must remain covered, I am told.

Lately, I have been going through a series of difficult twists and turns in my faith walk. My economic security hangs in the balance. The last time this happened, I had a dream in which I found myself tied to a rope and hanging by my feet high above a hard concrete floor. Dangling and in a state of panic, I called for help from those closest to me. No one was able to assist. And then, the tension eased completely and I was lowered gently to the floor, feet first--stocking feet. I slid across the smooth surface of the polished concrete like a ballerina, released with so much warmth of love and protection. The message was clear: "I have you. Why do you fear?" And He did.

So here I am again, dangling from the rope. Last week, the tension was huge, and I awoke one morning and the next, meeting my day in absolute submission, overcome by love and in a state of consciousness which I recognize now as my "awakened self." And God the Father, as I call this voice that speaks to me, was drawing ever so near. I lit my meditation candle and immediately covered my eyes, both mornings, instinctively, obediently. (I have since learned that this is a self-healing method in Reiki, the laying on of hands.) Again, the message was clear. I will not be allowed to see everything. "Be patient," I was told. "I see the way ahead and I have made a way for you. Where should your attention be? I have freed you from worry. Be at peace." I have never known such faithfulness. I have never been so loved.

Spiraling Across the Universe

I have always been fascinated by circles and spirals. I choose them as design motifs unconsciously (or consciously, one might argue) in my art and in my home.

I remember a visit to the planetarium at Griffith Park in Los Angeles long ago. Inside the lobby there were many exhibits. One exhibit centered around a metal ball that came shooting out of a small opening into a cone-shaped container. When it first entered the chamber at its widest point, the ball circled very slowly, around and around, but as it spiraled down it seemed to pick up speed as the circumference grew smaller and smaller, faster and faster, until it made a loud exit down and out. Bang.

As I stood there watching this display of gravity and force and my perception of what was happening, it occured to me that this was how my life felt, my birth and death. I was at that age--around 30, I believe--when you begin to notice how fast the years are speeding by, unlike our childhoods when each year is like an epoch. So I determined that my life would go that way--spiraling and spiraling, faster and faster, until poof--I'd disappear out a mysterious exit--my very own black hole--into the vast unknown that exists without time. And yes, the years still feel as though they are spinning faster and faster, but it all feels quite natural.

I found this Web site that explores our connection to spirals. If you find the music as annoying as I do, turn your speakers off. But it's worth a read. Fascinating stuff. And then look at this recent crop circle. Very interesting. Reminds me of that exhibit I saw at the planetarium.

Self-acceptance vs Destruction of the Ego

Much has been written and talked about concerning the ego. I am relatively new to eastern traditions, but I identified strongly with the understanding that all suffering stems from the ego and our desire nature. I have struggled with my own with much pain involved. But then, my South Node is in Leo. My heart is for the greater good, but my overwhelming need for self-expression and to be heard sometimes interferes, and then it becomes a wrestling match.

I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle speak about being awareness itself so that we can see the ego for what it is. I have found his teachings helpful. I do find it interesting that he does not delve into the hereafter at all. He won't go there. It doesn't seem possible to me to do the work here without acknowledging past lives. But he does this deliberately, I believe, to maintain the focused energy of his awareness teaching, and to make his teachings palpable to a greater audience. To focus on humankind's "Awakening." Tolle has come under fire from Christian groups who don't understand the God Within principle that Jesus spoke about. They fear the empowerment of the human species through collective transformation. Fear being the operative word.

Now, this week, I came across Saniel Bonder and his teachings on "mutuality" and "waking down." Bonder stresses the need for recognizing our inherent male and female energies, and embracing the formless with form so that you can grow right where you are. That "killing the ego" is a missed opportunity, you might say. He believes we grow together through our suffering and trials, and that the mountain top experience, separating from form (ego, for instance), is not productive to the human species as a collective. I am skimming the top.

I will continue to explore. Ultimately, I believe what I experience for myself. I believe we evolve spritually not only as individuals, but as a species. Be open to new concepts. In 2006, during a heart transformation that fundamentally changed my life, I received these words: "The Great Perfection." I believe it has begun in earnest.

Pink Clouds

My 85-year-old mother is a medium. She communicates with "spirit" and she sees things. After I divorced my husband and moved back east from California, she told me she saw pink clouds all around me. It was a good sign, she said. It meant that I was surrounded by love, good things ahead. I thought it meant an easy road, finally, a life without suffering. Nope. There is no easy road. For most of us, it's hard work here.

I've learned to listen to my mother carefully. I remember that she is, after all, my mother. So I listen carefully and hear between the lines. She has been known to give me an interpretation based on her own fears, her need to protect me or her desire to control me. It has never been easy having a mother like her. Still, she has an ability that has both intrigued me and helped me.

Pink clouds. So I misinterpreted that day. I am such an optimist. And this is basically a good thing. There is more, of course. There's always more. I will share some of my life with you here. I hope you will share, too. And she was right. I am surrounded by love. We are all surrounded by love. Let it in! It makes the journey of our souls glorious and transformative.