Bitterness

Is this what your heart looks like? This dried up rootball? Wrapped and trapped. Bitterness strangles the human heart. The heart is the seat of our ability to give and receive love. Makes no sense that we would do this to ourselves, and yet we do.

So what are the seeds of bitterness? Pride. Unforgiveness. The blame game. Think these are benign? Think those thoughts, those feelings, float out into the atmosphere and disappear? Think again.

Bitterness is a hungry, all-consuming living negative energy that loves to dominate the human heart. It makes us sick. It makes us angry. It even makes us ugly. Bitterness prevents the growth of healthy love, which needs fertile ground to take root and prosper.

So love yourself first and be ruthless. Rip the bitterness out of your heart and get some life-sustaining blood flowing back into it. Enrich the soil with compassion, tolerance and humility. Create a new container for unconditional love to grow.

And be diligent. Bitterness can sneak in disguised as just, reasonable and compensating, so be sure to do a weekly weeding. Much easier that way. Unless you like hard work.

Synchronicity

As yet, I haven’t spoken of numerology in my blog. It isn’t a primary focus for me in my walk with God, but there have been times when it has grabbed my interest in a formidable way. For most of my life, I completely discounted it. How could numbers be associated with our life plans and determine in any way our movements upon the planet? Ridiculous, right?

Last year, after attaining a new level of spiritual growth and delving into a study of sacred geometry, I became intrigued to the point of having a detailed numerology report done. I was amazed at how accurate it was to date. My life path number is 22, the master builder. According to numerology, I have the inherent ability to not only tap into the collective unconscious and move about the unseen universe with ease, I also have the ability to take what I learn and make manifest those things which serve the common good. Other 22s, I discovered, include the Dali Lama and Richard Gere. 22s can live their entire lives not working with this energy, becoming intimidated by it, reducing the energy to the more pratical level 4. Or they can suffer the distraction of grandiosity. They can even use this powerful energy to inflict harm, but this is highly unlikely. Most 22s are spiritually-minded. When harnessed, 22s will use their energies to produce positive and very concrete material benefits for mankind.

Prior to knowing anything at all about numerology, my husband and I noticed that everything that happened to us seemed to happen on the 22nd of the month. We met on the 22nd. We began cohabitating on the 22nd. We got married on the 22nd. My son just got married on the 22nd. The building number I currently live in (43825) adds up to 22. The list goes on and on. It became so notable that my husband and I used to refer to 22 as our “lucky number.”

In January 2008—being empowered with this new awareness of my life path number, and engulfed in a heightened sense of my own personal transformation as Pluto prepared to leave my sign after 15 grueling years—and after an entire year of soul-expanding Jupiter, my ruling planet, in my sign—I had a tattoo placed at the base of my spine. It’s a butterfly, the symbol for transformation, with a 22 inside of it. I can not tell you how much I enjoyed this process and how much I love my tattoo! I felt it burning itself into my spine long before the young woman did the deed with her tattoo needle. My symbol. Fait accompli. A transformation celebration!

But the story does not end there. Over the last few months, as another year finishes—a year of asking again and again, “God, where am I going?”—I see the number 22 everywhere I go. Everywhere. My eye will fall on the clock just at the right moment. On the treadmill, the digital read out will say 22. Switching channels, an announcer on TV will say “and with 22 seconds left in the game…” It would be impossible for me to catalog all of the times the number 22 has popped up in print lately. When it first began, I thought I was imagining it and "looking for it to happen" subconsciously. But it happened with such frequency and in such laughable places, that it surely caught my attention. It's become so common place now, that it no longer surprises me. What has happened to bring this about?

If we are made to certain vibrations (and mathematics play a key role in creation), then it would stand to reason that at certain times in our lives, these numbers signal messages from Spirit, our Higher Selves. Working with my intuitive understanding, my sightings of the number 22 have said to me loud and clear, “You’re on the right path! Keep going. You’re doing fine.”

Indeed, I believe I am now in a phase where the potential for fulfilling my life’s plan is great, and that, without any interference from me—being carried away by lower desires or demanding events follow "predictable" outcomes—God will do the work through me. He has been teaching me, grilling me repeatedly, actually, about letting Him take control. It doesn’t mean I’ve become an automaton. It means I have become a co-creator with God, and that as long as I stay close to Him, and tend to my soul work of promoting “Godly virtues” within myself and others, the only true treasures in life, He will open the doors and make the opportunities to manifest for the common good, which is my heart’s desire.

As we face the economic challenges ahead together—as the numbers on Wall Street plummet—as the numbers in our bank accounts dwindle—do not be afraid! Have faith and seek those things which bring true wealth. Put your trust in God. Get in synch!

Obama is the 44th president of the United States, a master number. Look it up!

God's Love

We are all ONE.

"And the wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them."

Isaiah 11:6

Who's the Fairest of Them All?

One of the major karmic themes of my lifetime has been adultery. Our lives are patterns of karmic themes, but surely this one was a dominant theme in mine for many years. As I’ll explain, the root cause of this is vanity. Pride. A heightened sense of entitlement.

Even as a very young girl, I had strong desires for the opposite sex. And a desire to dominate them psychologically. When I entered my teens, my older sister’s boyfriends made passes at me. Did I wish this to happen? Subconsciously, I believe so.

Later, after I met the young man I was to marry, I had early inklings of trouble ahead. He attracted unstable women who seemed to be motivated not only by their desire for him, but by a desire to take what was mine. I found it puzzling since I did not know these women, but they were often fixated on me. Now, I see very clearly that, indeed, they were sent by divine design to do exactly that—to take away what was “mine.” For most of my marriage, there was always some woman who wanted to take my husband away from me, and I resisted. The suffering, of course, was enormous, as I loved him deeply and, for the most part, innocently. I’ll spare you the details of my ordeal.

Like most souls, I’ve had more than one lifetime as an adulterer. As a result, in this lifetime, I found myself married to an adulterer who betrayed me with multiple women. I stayed for the whole thing, taking what was needed to pay my debt. I certainly had no knowledge of this karmic debt at the time, but my Higher Self did. Karma is never a punishment. It is simply a law of the universe and a balance of spirit that must be achieved. What we sow, for better or for worse, we will eventually reap. These lessons help us to achieve Christ Consciousness, to raise our vibrations and set us on a path for ascension.

Behind each action that we take—each action producing a reaction—there is some underlying character weakness or strength that sets the whole thing in motion. In my case, it was vanity that was the root cause of my troubles with adultery. This past year, it was revealed to me that in past lives, I had used my beauty to gain power.

In one vivid dream in December 2006, I was a Russian peasant on my wedding night. My husband, who was an innocent, was speaking to me of how beautiful I was as he removed my nightgown. He had “permission” to take me, but he was being timid. After he initiated intimacy, he was so grateful and complimentary. I remember looking on him with disdain thinking “what a fool you are.” A subsequent dream revealed another scene from that lifetime. I was with another man. We were concerned about “hidden treasures.” And the man was saying, “Oh, let’s be done with this.” And I pleaded, “But I don’t want to be done with it.”

Did that young groom, so unsure of himself, become my husband in this lifetime? What were these "hidden treasures"? Stolen wealth? Was I planning to run away with my lover? Is this why I could never convince my husband in this lifetime that I loved him? And why he was so unfaithful to me, despite loving me as deeply as he did? I search for the answers inside my soul.

But, perhaps, the most vivid past life recall concerning adultery came in May of this year. I was a young woman sitting on a bench in the back of a lecture hall. A middle-aged man with a beard was presenting at the front of the room which was all dark wood paneling and leather chairs. I was growing restless and removed myself to the bathroom. After I closed the door behind me, I looked up into the mirror at my reflection. I was absolutely stunning. Nicole Kidman-stunning. And it was ME looking back. I had reddish brown hair cut Egyptian-style with big brown eyes, high cheek bones, translucent skin and a slender, perfectly toned body. As I brushed the bangs away from my eyes, I thought to myself, “These people are so boring. Why can't I just leave?"

When I told my mother about the experience with the mirror (a medium who can access the Akashic records through her spirit guides), it was revealed that I had been the mistress to a Swiss diplomat in Geneva in that lifetime. I died in 1932. I sensed a superficial young woman, another careless soul who used her beauty to manipulate and advance her station in life, not caring in the slightest who got hurt along the way. And still, I love and forgive her. I treasure the lesson that she brought.

Pride, vanity or narcissism. It has always been a great temptation for mankind.

For all of us, it is far better to look at our challenges in life objectively, whatever they may be, from the karmic perspective. What are your challenges in this lifetime? What lessons are you learning? Who do you need to forgive? A spouse? A parent? Perhaps, yourself. Make the most of your opportunities for forgiveness. These unlock the door to compassion, which leads to unconditional love, the bliss of which can not be described by the human tongue.

Making His 'Transit'

It’s important to understand that when someone we love dies, their spirit goes on. And, in fact, the relationship goes on. Since my ex-husband’s death from a heart attack in 2004, I have had many visits from him. Because I am a sensitive, and because I am open to it, I have been helping him to continue on his journey in my "dreams."

There have been times when I've pleaded with him to stop coming. His visits are often childish and manipulative, just as in life. Still, in one dream, he revealed to me, through unmistakable symbolism, that his substance abuse had been the result of an undiagnosed manic-depressive disorder. All highs and lows, he had explained, no middles. This was comforting to me, of course, and I was very grateful to him for confirming what I had suspected.

In another visit, he wanted to know if I had loved him, even though I had divorced him. He couldn’t make his “transit,” he whispered in my ear one morning, until he knew the answer to this question. I did not believe he was anywhere near making his transit with a question like that. It annoyed me and my emotions took over. This was the broken record of our life together. Even though I had assured him at every turn in the marriage that I loved him, no amount of words or action could convince him. He was so confused about love. For him, sex was love. The amount of sexual attraction he could induce in another was a fair estimate of his self-worth. It often grieved me. I could not reach him. And his was such a beautiful soul capable of much goodness. His gift for music, his genuine sweetness and concern for others, those twinkling eyes of merriment…

In late 1999, when I told him that I was going to file for divorce, he told me that we would never be apart, and that we were “joined at the hip.” At the time that he said it, I knew it was a hint of things to come. I received the news with dread, knowing how possessive he could be. He has made good on his promise, never leaving my side for a moment. And true to form, I am there for him, again and again, assuring him of my love and helping him to transit to the next level in his soul's journey. My love for him is eternal. I recently recognized that he helped me to complete my karma in an important area of my own journey. I chose him for this. How can I deny him my patience and understanding, as others have been patient and understanding with me?

Some time back, I had a visit from one of my spirit guides who showed me a book. She began flipping through the pages but only so far. I tried to turn the pages beyond where her finger was, but to no avail. She said to me, “First the dream therapy, and then the saying ‘goodbye’ to your loved one.” After I awakened, I wondered how this would play out. Obviously, someone had been listening to my pleas for my husband’s departure.

Lately, my ex has been visiting quite a bit in ways not pleasing to me. I am seeking a new relationship here on the Earth plane. It is time for him to let go. Sleeping rather fitfully, I awoke at 5 a.m. this morning after having had yet another visit from him. So I prayed in earnest for his deliverance and, eventually, I fell back asleep. And there he was again. He was leading me and our two children into a Catholic church, making a big show of it. Some people were seated at a table inside. He retrieved a small book of scripture from them and we left, making our way across the lawn at the entrance to the church. As we walked, our path cut across a steady stream of people entering the church. I said to him, “Why did you make all of us get out of the car and go with you? You could have done this yourself.” There was no response. I stopped him, in the middle of the stream of worshippers and a spirit being appeared opposite us. He was smiling, but he was not mine. Through thought transference, I recognized him as my husband’s spirit guide. I said to my husband, “All you had to do was let me love you.” His spirit guide seemed very pleased. I woke up.

I share this personal story with you so that you will understand the importance of our relationships, and how we are all eternally bound, one to another. There is a completion of cycle. And a completion of spirit. To resist the power of love and its faithfulness is to resist yourself and your soul’s journey. To harbor bitterness and resentment toward others is to cut yourself off from God’s perfect path to liberty. Everything has a purpose, even suffering. Be patient and kind. At all times, be at peace, seeking harmony, unity and truth.

A Change in Consciousness

These are the words of Mahatma Gandhi:

"It takes a fairly strenuous course of training to attain a mental state of nonviolence. It is a disciplined life, like the mental state of a soldier. The perfect state is reached only when the mind, body and speech are in proper coordination. Every problem would lend itself to solution if we determined to make the law of truth and nonviolence the law of life."

Assume the Position

This is my favorite position when communicating with God. On my knees, head down, hands receiving. My listening and receiving position. I do not assume the position. It assumes me. No one taught me this. I have since learned that it is a chakra exercise in kundalini yoga. It is the most natural position for me. The one in which I am most comfortable. It evolved over time as my relationship with the Creator continued to deepen and life's most humbling lessons burned their messages into this rebellious heart. But its origins go way back in my walk with Christ.

Long, long ago, when I lived in California, I was married to a successful nightclub musician. We lived in a resort town favored by Hollywood stars, and we had two beautiful young children. Although we started out together, over the years, my husband and I chose different paths. Our value systems grew largely apart. He became immersed in the drug and alcohol culture; I became immersed in raising a family.

There came a time when he began using cocaine, a drug so destructive that it nearly left us both dead. Among other things, he was exhibiting aggression, so unlike him, and he seemed to have absolutely no moral compass whatsoever left. As with all relationships, I contributed my own set of weird childhood, karmic and personality foibles to the mix. We were a mess.

To make matters worse, he was having an affair--again. I was home alone most of the time with two small children in a city where I knew no one. Estranged from my family, I had no human support system in place at all. Eventually, the stress of keeping it all together by myself was so enormous--the pain of watching someone slowly destroy themselves so hard to bear--it affected my mind. I was becoming something ugly and so was he. I began to contemplate suicide. And I stopped eating. Day after day, I fed the children, but I didn't eat myself. A nibble here. A nibble there. I lost a tremendous amount of weight. I was wasting away. Trying to disappear.

And then, one day, I woke up and it was gone. The belief that I needed to hang in there for the kids...it was gone. I no longer cared. They'd be better off, I thought. Better off without me. The pain was too much. And again, I began to fantasize about taking my own life. The more I thought about it, the better it sounded. No more pain. No more agony. All gone.

But that wasn't the plan for the day. God was only a breath away. I slipped to my knees on the soft pink carpet and my head went down, too. I assumed the position. And I began to cry. And suddenly, I remembered that voice that spoke to me in Hawaii, when I was washing the dishes, and everything in my life was so wonderful and I hadn't a care in the world: "Know that I am here," the voice had said. (See my post of Aug. 17.) I never understood at the time why He came to me. But I remembered that voice that day on the pink carpet, and I called upon the name of Jesus, and immediately I was lifted up. My spirit rose up out of the "depths of hell" and I was "saved." Completely restored. Held high. Reborn.

So, in truth, I did die that day, after all. It would become the first of many "deaths." I die a little bit every day. And I am so grateful, because what I get in return can not be measured. And now, when I bow before my heavenly Father, my hands are always a little extended, like a child's, hoping to receive just an ounce of His wisdom, an ounce of His perfect love. So for me, it began with Christ.

And I have come a long way since that day. I have studied many great masters and experienced many great things. But the other night, while doing my prayers and affirmations before falling asleep, a telepathic message dropped into my spirit: "Follow me," it said. It was a voice I recognized. It was the voice of my savior.